The bird was on the windowsill again, but Kittles ignored him and tried to pretend he didn’t see him.
“Why do you look so sad?” the bird said.
“Huh?” Kittles said, “Why do you care?”
“Most cats get excited when they see a bird,” the bird said, “but all you ever do is stare outside with those sad eyes.”
“How do you know I’m sad?” Kittles said, “Maybe I’m just like Rose Byrne.”
“Rose Byrne?”
“She’s a girl in all these people movies. My human said she has the saddest eyes ever. But it’s just the shape of them, she isn’t really sad.”
“But I saw you look happy once.”
“Hmmph!” Kittles said, “Maybe it’s not my eyes that are sad, maybe it’s all of me.”
“Why?”
“It’s none of your business,” Kittles said.
“You aren’t like other kitties,” the bird said, then he made his eyes look up at Kittles in a strange way that reminded Kittles of the way Kathryn had always looked at him.
“I don’t wanna talk to you anymore,” Kittles said, then he jumped off the windowsill and went over to his food dish.
The food dish was empty except for some dried up pieces of Fancy Feast, they were so dried up Kittles couldn’t even smell the fishy smell anymore.
#
Kittles’ human had been named Kathryn. He knew it was her name because other people called her that, especially the eagle. The eagle was Kathryn’s boyfriend, Kathryn always called him the eagle because he had this bird called an eagle painted on his back.
The eagle was around now, and Kittles wrinkled his nose up at his smell, it was something that came out of a black can that the eagle sprayed himself with.
That other girl was here too, the one who wasn’t Kathryn, her hair wasn’t black like Kathryn’s, her hair was red and crinkled-up looking.
“I can’t believe she did it,” the eagle said.
“Wasn’t she always depressed?” the other girl said.
“It was because of us though,” the eagle said, “it’s my fault.”
“It’s not like you guys were married,” the other girl said, “maybe it’s for the best, it’s like she was the most miserable girl on earth.”
The eagle was quiet, he pressed the button on the music playing machine that was against the wall, and it started playing that song that Kittles knew, the song that Kathryn always sung to him. The song she left playing when she put that rope around her neck and made herself stop breathing.
“Ugh,” the other girl said, “that’s what she was playing when she did it?”
“Yeah,” the eagle said, “she really liked Weezer.”
“Sorry,” the other girl said, “but that’s so lame.”
It wasn’t lame, thought Kittles, and his fur puffed out in anger, he hissed and scratched the other girl’s leg.
“Ow!” the other girl said, “Get that stupid kitten away from me.”
“Bad Kittles,” the eagle said.
Then they went out the sliding door onto the outside part of the apartment and slid the door shut, after a minute they were blowing smoke out of their mouths and the other girl moved her hands around and made grouchy faces. Kittles was glad he couldn’t hear her stupid voice.
The song started playing again and Kittles remembered when Kathryn used to play it for him. The words were, “You gave your love to me softly”, but Kathryn used to pick him up and stick her face into his fur and sing, “You gave your fur to me kitty.”
Kittles wanted to stick his claws inside himself and scratch himself away until there was nothing left, every part of him was sad, and it was like all his feelings were shaped like Rose Byrne’s eyes, and he knew he should probably put a rope around his neck just like Kathryn.
#
“What’s wrong?” the bird said.
“Nothing,” Kittles said, “why are you always spying on me?”
“I don’t know,” the bird said, “I like you I guess.”
“The only one who ever liked me is dead,” Kittles said.
“Is that why you’re so sad?” the bird said, “It was that girl right? The one who used to carry you around.”
“You saw her do that?”
“I’ve been watching you forever,” the bird said.
“She’s dead,” Kittles said, “she’s dead because the eagle made her too sad to live.”
“I never saw an eagle in here.”
“It’s the guy,” Kittles said, “the guy who never gives me Fancy Feast, I call him the eagle.”
“Seems like a bad person,” the bird said, “it makes sense he’d be an eagle, eagles are the meanest birds.”
“I wish he would die,” Kittles said, “he ruined my life.”
“That girl was your human right?”
“She loved me,” Kittles said, “she was the only one for me.”
“I read a story about animals and their humans once,” the bird said.
“Birds can’t read,” Kittles said.
“I can’t read words,” the bird said, “but this was a story in pictures.”
“So what’s that have to do with me? Was it about a sad kitty?”
“It was about a puppy,” the bird said, “the puppy’s boy gets sick and dies, and the puppy gets so sad he sits on the boy’s grave until he dies too, so it’s like they get to be together again in death.”
“I wanna be together with Kathryn in death,” Kittles said, “but I don’t even know where her grave is.”
“Don’t think about that bad stuff,” the bird said, “I can help you, but you need to get away from that eagle.”
“I’m stuck here.”
The bird looked over at the balcony.
“Next time they go out just run out the door and jump.”
“I can’t fly like you,” Kittles said.
“Look at the grass,” the bird said, “It’s not that far away, jumping from there won’t hurt you.”
“Maybe,” Kittles said, and he looked over at the balcony and wished it was high enough to hurt him if he jumped. He thought that jumping off and dying would probably be the best escape from the eagle.
#
It hadn’t been that hard. Kittles waited for the next time the eagle and the other girl went out on the balcony, then he ran out the door and jumped through the space in the railing.
The eagle was like “Hey! What the hell?” but he didn’t chase Kittles, he probably didn’t care, just like he hadn’t really cared about Kathryn, all he probably cared about was that other girl and the crappy eagle painted on his back.
The bird was waiting for Kittles when he landed in the grass.
“Yay!” the bird said while he flapped his wings really fast.
“What are we gonna do now?” Kittles said.
“Just hang out I guess,” the bird said.
So that’s what they did. The bird knew everything, he told Kittles where they were was a place called Queens, and they walked around all over.
Kittles jumped and bristled his fur every time a person stomped by, or a car honked its horn.
“We’re gonna go to Manhattan,” the bird said.
They kept walking for what seemed to Kittles like forever, and when he got hungry the bird found him a trash can with old hamburgers in it. Then they got to this giant road that was hanging over water. Kittles hated water and it was the scariest thing he’d ever seen, like a giant line of black water cutting through everything.
“I don’t want to walk on that,” Kittles said.
“It’s the only way to Manhattan,” the bird said.
“Humph!” Kittles said, and he made a frowny face.
“C’mon,” the bird said, “don’t be such a scaredy-cat.”
“I’m not a scaredy-cat,” Kittles said, “besides how could I be scared when I wanna die?”
“Ugh,” the bird said, “stop being so dramatic.”
“Fine, whatevs, I’ll walk across this stupid water road,” Kittles said as he followed behind the bird.
“What’s this thing called anyway?” Kittles said.
“It’s a bridge silly,” the bird said.
Kittles followed the bird across the bridge, trying to avoid the people walking or driving their two-wheeled cars. The bridge went up higher and higher, and it was kind of pretty, looking at all the buildings below them, and even the water, which wasn’t as scary when you were so far above it.
Kittles felt so free, being outside with the bird, but then he wondered how fun it would have been if it had been Kathryn instead of the bird.
“You’re making that Rose Byrne face again,” the bird said.
“Maybe you’re making the Rose Byrne face,” said Kittles, “maybe you’re Rose Bird!”
The bird laughed at Kittles’ joke but then he was like, “You really miss your human I guess.”
“Yeah,” Kittles said, “more than anything.”
“She must have been a nice girl,” the bird said.
Then Kittles told the bird all about Kathryn as they walked across the bridge, and it made him smile, almost as if she was there with them.
Kittles told the bird about Kathryn’s black hair that was all shiny, her eyes that were bluer than anything, the way her skin was white and creamy like the milk she used to give him on a plate, and how every once in a while she smelled just like Ocean Whitefish Fancy Feast in the space between her legs.
“She loved everything,” Kittles said, “she had all kinds of great thoughts. She used to love going to this place called Six Flags, and these things called roller coasters. She said that one time she was there at night, and the roller coaster spun her around in the air so she was upside down and looking at the stars, and how it was the only time she ever felt totally okay, for just like a moment. I wanted to ask her what stars were, but people don’t understand kitty, it all sounds like meowing to them.”
“I’ve seen stars,” the bird said, “you can’t see them in the city, but one time I flew really far away and there wasn’t anything but trees and I saw the stars.”
”What are they?” Kittles said.
“Lights in the sky,” the bird said.
“Lights?” Kittles said, “That’s lame.”
“Maybe better than lights I guess,” the bird said.
“How?”
“I don’t know,” the bird said, “they’re shinier.”
“Humph!” said Kittles, “It’s not fair, I wanna see stars.”
#
They’d made it over the bridge and were in what the bird said was called Manhattan, it was all full of scary noises, lights and people. Talking about Kathryn had made him remember the time she said, “Oh Kittles, maybe one day they’ll build a Six Flags for kitties, and we can ride on roller coasters together.”
“Oh my feathers!” the bird said, “Look at that picture. That girl has sad eyes just like you.”
Kittles looked at the picture stuck up on the wall in front of him, it was a picture of Rose Byrne, she was holding a gun and she had short hair and a big mustache.
“That’s Rose Byrne!” Kittles said.
“The girl you were telling me about,” the bird said.
“What is this place?” Kittles said.
“It’s a movie theater,” the bird said.
Just then, a fat man in a cowboy hat walked up to the window on the outside of the building, he was carrying a giant sack of hamburgers.
“I’d like one ticket to that Death Wish movie,” said the fat man.
“We have to go see Rose Byrne,” the bird said, “I want to see what she’s like.”
“They won’t let a bird and kitty inside that place,” Kittles said.
“Follow me,” the bird said as he pointed his beak at the sack of hamburgers, then he flew inside the bag before the fat man noticed. Kittles ran up and jumped inside as fast as he could and landed on a bunch of soft burgers.
When they got inside the dark theater Kittles and the bird jumped out of the bag.
“Hey, what are you critters doing in my sack of burgers?” the fat man said.
Kittles and the bird just laughed and ran up to the empty seats up front.
Pretty soon the movie started.
#
Kittles had never seen a movie in a theater before, but this is how he would have described it to Kathryn:
All these red words came up on the screen and this voice was like “Death Wish starring Rose Byrne, get ready for death!”
Then Rose Byrne was on the screen, she had short gray hair and a big mustache, and she was in a gray man suit. She was in this meeting with all these other guys, and this one guy was like “Profits are up this quarter Mr. Rose Byrne, you are totally the best accountant ever.”
Rose Byrne was all happy, even with her sad eyes, but then this guy came in and he was crying and he was like, “Rose Byrne, your wife and daughter totally got raped and murdered just now.”
You could tell Rose Byrne was sad but she didn’t want to cry in front of all these guys, but she made the grumpiest face ever.
Then Rose Byrne was in a room with all these guys with shiny buttons on their shirts, and they had guns and one guy was like, “Sorry Mr. Rose Byrne but catching these criminals is totally impossible, it was too random.”
But Rose Byrne was like, “I want justice! You cops suck! I should totally clean up this city myself.”
“You can’t buy guns in this city Rose Byrne,” the cop said, and he had a mustache and was like, “Be a good Rose Byrne and go home. Find a new wife. You can’t just go around totally getting revenge. It’s not like you have a death wish or something.”
“Humph!” Rose Byrne said, “Maybe I do have a death wish. I used to be a totally liberal accountant and think that criminals needed fair trials, but my family’s murder changed me. Now I totally need to get revenge so I can feel happy again.”
Then in another scene Rose Byrne was on vacation in Texas for some reason, and this guy in a cowboy hat was like, “Y’all are cool Rose Byrne. Here’s a gun I got y’all as a gift.”
Then the guy gave Rose Byrne the giantest gun ever. And then the rest of the movie Rose Byrne walked around New York shooting bad people with her gun, and her face looked totally happy, and even her sad Rose Byrne eyes looked happy, and she made a finger-gun with her hand and pointed it out the screen at us, like me and the bird were bad guys she was gonna shoot, then it was the end…
On the way out of the theater Kittles heard the fat guy complaining to the girl in the ticket booth.
“How are y’all gonna try and sell me tickets to some newfangled Death Wish remake? I ain’t came all the way from Texas to watch that durn old Rose Byrne shoot folks. I wanted Charles Bronson.”
“You came all the way from Texas to see a movie you could have seen anywhere?” the girl said.
“I want my money back,” the man said, “that Rose Byrne is the worst.”
Kittles got mad and his fur puffed out.
“Humph,” Kittles said, “that guy is a jerk.”
“I have an idea,” the bird said, and then he flew over to the fat guy and pecked at the piece of butt crack that peeked out from his pants.
The fat guy started screaming and the bird didn’t stop pecking until the fat guy ran away. Then the bird flew over to kittles with blood all over his beak.
“That’s what he gets for saying mean things about Rose Byrne,” the bird said.
Kittles meowed a happy meow, the bird wasn’t any replacement for Kathryn, he thought, but he sure is cool. Then he followed the bird outside the theater and into the bright light of the sun with a spring in his kitty step.
#
Kittles and the bird ended up in a big field in a place the bird called Central Park, it was all trees and grass.
They sat at the foot of a tree and the bird pointed up to a branch.
“My nest is up there,” the bird said, “I guess that will be your new home.”
“A nest might be cool,” Kittles said and it was just then he heard a giggle and looked to see a girl playing with a kitten on a leash.
“You’re a good kitty,” the girl said, “the best kitty ever!”
The kitty rolled around, kicking up dirt and pieces of grass with his fur fluffed out. Watching all that real happiness, the kitty-and-girl-together kind of happiness, made the bad feelings come down on kittles like a giant rock that smashed the fake kind of happiness he had with the bird, and he started meow-crying.
“What’s wrong?” the bird said.
“It never gets better,” Kittles said, “that sickness in my belly always comes back.”
“Well maybe movies and fun aren’t enough,” the bird said, “maybe we have to take happiness in our own hands like Rose Byrne did.”
“What do you mean?” Kittles said through kitty sniffles.
“It all makes sense now,” the bird said, “Rose Byrne was sad but then she killed bad people and she was happy.”
“Hey, that’s true,” Kittles said.
“So if you kill that eagle guy it will fix you for good,” the bird said.
Oh my fur, thought Kittles, the bird really did know everything. Kittles saw himself shooting the eagle and the other girl, shooting their butts until they screamed and bled to death. In his mind he had a big mustache just like Rose Byrne.
“But I don’t have a gun,” Kittles said.
“I know somebody who can hook us up,” the bird said.
Then the bird chirped, and some birds in the sky chirped back, then there was like a million chirps in all the trees in Central Park.
The bird flew up to his nest and came back down with a plastic baggie full of little bones hanging from his claws.
“I’ve been saving these bones for something special,” the bird said, “c’mon kitty we need to go.”
“Where?”
“I just got us an appointment with the best gun dealer ever.”
#
The bird led Kittles to a building near the bridge to Queens. There was a cat-sized hole in the basement door, and stairs going all the way up to the roof. By the time they made it to the top, Kittles was out of breath from climbing up the steps.
A golden colored puppy was there, holding a brown paper sack with something bulky inside.
“Hello bird,” the puppy said, “you bring the bones?”
The bird dropped the bag of bones at the puppy’s paws.
“Is this the silly kitty who wants a gun?”
“Hey,” Kittles said, “I’m not silly.”
“All kitties are silly,” the puppy said.
“Humph!” Kittles said, “Maybe it’s all puppies that are the silly ones.”
“Silly puppies eh?” laughed the puppy, “I guess you don’t want this gun then.”
“The bird already gave you the bones. You owe me that gun.”
“Maybe I’ll keep the bones.”
Kittles’ fur puffed out and he hissed.
“Maybe I’ll scratch your tail off,” Kittles said.
“You want the gun or not?” the puppy laughed.
“Yeah! You think we came here to play puppy games?”
“Tell your silly friend to chill,” the puppy said to the bird, looking past Kittles as if he wasn’t there.
“Humph!” Kittles said, “Just give me the stupid gun.”
“What for?” the puppy said.
Kittles puffed out his fur again, and hissed. He pounced on the puppy and scratched his snout.
The puppy didn’t even whimper, he just laughed his puppy laugh and dropped the bag.
“Take the gun,” the puppy said, “I proved my point.”
“What point?”
“I’ve had a theory that all kitties are silly maniacs, you just proved it for me.”
Kittles wanted to say something clever, he remembered this red haired girl in this movie he saw once, and she was sitting on a bed talking to this guy who was lame and she was like, “Are you emotionally disturbed?”
But Kittles couldn’t talk in a cool voice like her, and his fur wasn’t red, so maybe it wouldn’t be the same. The puppy was already walking to the door that led to the stairs, he didn’t say goodbye, but he was still doing his puppy snickering.
“Stupid puppy,” Kittles said to the bird.
“You got your gun,” the bird said, “the puppy doesn’t matter now.”
But when Kittles opened up the bag it was nothing but a bunch of rocks, and he started meow-crying so loud that the sound made the bird’s feathers ruffle up.
#
Kittles had run from the building, and the bird flew after him until they ended up by the movie theater, standing in front of the Rose Byrne Death Wish poster.
“Don’t give up,” the bird said, “I’ll find us a gun somewhere.”
“You don’t get it,” Kittles said, “It’s all a waste of time.”
“Nothing’s a waste,” the bird said, “not when helping my best friend.”
“You’re not my best friend,” Kittles said, “you’re not anything to me.”
The bird made a sad chirp and fluffled his feathers.
“You’re just a bird,” Kittles said, “not a Kathryn, and you can’t make my sadness go away. Like, every time she’d leave during the day I’d wait by the door with that sick, empty feeling in my belly. But I always knew she’d come home and I’d feel okay.”
“But she’s not coming back,” the bird said, “you need to fix that feeling some other way.”
“Don’t tell me what I need to fix.”
“What’s so great about that girl anyway?” the bird said, “She felt sorry for herself and didn’t bother to stick around for her kitty.”
Kittles hissed, “Get away from me you stupid bird.”
“Birds like me don’t ever feel sorry for ourselves,” the bird said, “we don’t ever leave our friends.”
“Then go find some friends,” Kittles said.
Kittles knew he was done with the bird, and in his head has was already a million miles away.
The bird didn’t matter.
“You can eat me,” the bird said, “if it would make you happy.”
Kittles didn’t want to eat the bird, he didn’t want feathers in his mouth, he wanted Kathryn’s girl hair, just to taste her again was all he could ever hope for.
Please go away silly bird, though Kittles, because he was tired of talking to the silly little ball of feathers, and he walked away as fast as his furry legs would carry him.
#
As he walked through the noisy streets, Kittles remembered being a baby kitty in that room with all the metal cages.
Kittles remembered the day Kathryn walked in and seemed to go right to his cage.
“I want that one with the funny eyes,” Kathryn said as she fingered that kitty pendant hanging from her necklace.
“Kittles,” Kathryn said, “I’ll call him Kittles.”
The animal care worker opened the cage and handed Kittles to Kathryn, and Kathryn kissed Kittles on his mouth. Kittles could taste her girl lips on his kitty lips, and in that moment he was alive for the first time. He’d been ordinary when he was alone in that cage, alone in the world, but when touched by Kathryn he became something else.
Kittles had to face the fact that he died the moment Kathryn had died, everything after that was like a sick joke.
Kittles managed to find his way back to the bridge that led to Queens, and he walked to the middle of it, the part that was highest over the black water below. As he climbed up the railing he thought about what Kathryn had said about being in the rollercoaster at night, and spinning through the air while looking at the stars.
It’s not fair, thought Kittles, because, even if he spun around on his way down to the water, you couldn’t see stars in New York City. As he stepped off the railing, and into the cool space in front of him, Kittles was sure that without Kathryn, nothing, not Rose Byrne, birds, or the stars even mattered.
<end>