Wesley Crusher: Teenage Fuck Machine
A short story by Wigwolf (originally published under the name Kitty Glitter).
And that’s where Wesley Crusher came in. In the girl’s mouth, stifling the scream caused by the tiny barbs that encircled the tip of Meow Solo’s penis.
The barbs scraped against her rectal walls, tearing out chunks of flesh as the feline pilot extraordinaire withdrew his penis from her virgin ass.
“What is the meaning of this?” said Captain Picard.
Wesley stopped his fucking and turned around to look directly at none other than Captain Jean Luc Picard.
“Sup Picard?” said Wesley.
“An orgy aboard the holodeck?” shouted Picard, “This is an outrage!”
Prof. Moriarty suddenly materializes in front of Picard brandishing a silver pistol and shoots the Captain in his balls.
Picard collapses to the floor screaming in agony.
“Your days of blathering on are over Picard,” said Moriarty, “now call that guy with the beard and tell him Moriarty said he was filthy animal.”
“RIKER!” screamed Picard, “You are of course referring to Will Riker, one of the finest officers I have ever served with.”
Wesley and Meow Solo stepped off he girl and pulled their skintight pants up.
“Whatevs Picard,” said Wesley, “nobody cares who you served with, the Enterprise is totally doomed. I filled this chamber up with space gas.”
“NO!” cried Picard.
“Meow Solo, go get the SHO ready!”
“Sure Wes,” said Meow Solo as he ran from the holodeck chamber.
“Moriarty c’mon let’s go!” said Wesley.
“Unfortunately sir Wesley I do not exist outside the confines of the holodeck,” said Moriarty.
“Whatevs,” said Wesley as he pressed a bunch of random buttons on the wall, “I’m Wesley Crusher!”
Moriarty stepped out of the holodeck, “OMG! I am real now, this rules!”
“Okay guys,” said Wesley, “When I light this match the whole Enterprise is gonna go kaboom!”
“We’ve got room for seven in the SHO. Me, Meow, Mary-Sue, the two other girls, Moriarty and…”
“Wait, take me with you yo,” said Geordi Laforge as he ran into the chamber.
“Yo Geordi, what’s up?” said Wesley, “of course you can come. Let’s split!”
So Wesley Crusher, the three girls, Moriarty, and Geordi Laforge ran down to the loading dock and boarded the Taurus SHO. The SHO was the fastest ship in the galaxy; Meow Solo claimed it made the Lesben Run in under sixty-nine parclits.
“I am Captain Jean Luc Picard!” screamed Captain Picard as the lit match Wesley had thrown behind him ignited the space gas in the chamber.
The SHO shot off into space just as the Enterprise exploded, vaporizing Picard, the entire crew of the Enterprise, and even Wesley’s own mother Dr. Bev Crusher.
“Listen guys,” said Moriarty, “I am a professor of Mathematics, if we stay within eighty diameters of that explosion there is a seventy-three percent chance that the aftershocks could trigger an explosion inside our space gas tanks.”
“Speak English!” screamed Meow Solo.
“In laymen’s terms,” said Moriarty, “we must go faster!”
“Don’t worry professor,” said Meow Solo, “I’ve never made a run in less than sixty-nine parclits.”
“So you claim,” said Moriarty as he pulled a white handkerchief from his coat pocket and proceeded to mop his brow.
“Uh oh guys,” said Meow Solo.
“What?” said Wesley.
“I just checked the meter. We need space gas now!”
“We can’t pull over around here,” said Wesley.
“Why not?” said Geordi.
“It’s a Borg neighborhood. We’ll get totally assimilated.”
“Unfortunately my good Wesley,” said Moriarty, “we are going to have to take that risk. I just used my mathematics to check the meter and Meow Solo is correct. We are running on empty.”
Meow Solo pulled off the intergalactic exit and stopped at a Circle-K.
“Man oh man,” said Wesley as they pulled up to the pump.
“What’s wrong now?” said Meow Solo.
“That sign says Borg Blvd.”
“So?”
“Borg Blvd. is the most dangerous street in the universe.”
“Whatevsers,” said Geordi Laforge, “I ain’t afraid of no Borgs!”
“Pardon me for contradicting you Geordi but only a fool would choose to not regard the Borg with fear!” said Moriarty, “They are a foul race of white creatures covered in random pieces of electronic parts and they travel around in hot rod cubes forcing people to become just like them.”
“PREPaRE TO BE aSSIMILaTED,” said a loud robot voice.
“What the fuck?” said Wesley Crusher.
Wesley looked out the back window of the SHO to see a Borg scout cube pulled up behind them, headlights glaring like a thousand suns.
“Turn your fucking lights off now!” said Wesley.
Meow Solo said, “Don’t be an asshole Wesley, you’ll get us killed!”
“Turn those fucking lights off now!” said Wesley.
Wesley turned to Geordi.
“Yo toss me a football man.”
“Sure,” said Geordi as he tossed Wesley a football.
“I would not advise this course of action sir,” said Moriarty.
“Fuck you professor,” said Wesley, “you are like Sherlock Holmes’s archenemy and you are acting like a pussy.”
“My form of villainy is more cerebral dear Wesley,” said Moriarty.
Wesley pegged the football at the Borg cube, smashing the left headlight.
“Damn it Wesley,” said Meow Solo, “I thought I was the badboy around here!”
The Borg cube began to glow yellow and a small staircase lowered from it.
Six Borg men stepped out.
“Prepare to be assimilated,” said the Borg in unison, “resistance is futile.”
“Whatever!” said Wesley as he fired his phaser.
The phaser has no effect on the Borg as they advance upon Wesley Crusher and his crew.
The last thing Wesley remembered before passing out was a red laser beam shooting out of the Borg’s ocular implants and the sound of Meow Solo’s meowy scream!
When Wesley woke up he was strapped down to a surgical table in the Borg cube.
“Well hello Wesley, it’s me!”
Wesley looked up at the pale cybernetical creature that was once his friend Geordi Laforge.
“What did they do to you Geordi?”
“I’m Borgy now, Borgy Laborg. I have been assimilated. We all share one mind and soon you will join us Wesley!”
“No way,” Wesley spit out the razor hidden beneath his tongue and used it to cut the ropes binding his left wrist to the table. The razor sliced through them freeing his hands then Wesley used the razor to slit open Geordi’s throat.
Wesley was soon drenched in his former friend’s blood.
Wesley then used the razor to free Meow Solo from a nearby table.
“Wesley we must free the others!”
“I’m gonna kill all the stupid Borg,” said Wesley as he pulled his phaser out, “set phasers to kill!”
“No way man,” said Meow Solo as he pulled two laser axes from the straps that crossed the back of his brown leather vest.
“Take a laser axe! Borg are resistant to phaser fire and melee weapons are your only hope.”
“Whatever,” said Wesley, “just give me the axe.”
“Sir,” we received this communiquéh from Lt. Worf today,” said Tigron.
Kitteh Commander, a fluffy white tiger took the communiqué.
“Who is Lt. Worf?”
“The onleh surviveh of the USS Entehprise D,” said Tigron, “It was blown up by Ensign Wesleh Crusher, boy genius and former goodeh two shoes.”
“What would a goodeh two shoes be doing blowing up a federation ship?” said Kitteh.
“Apparentleh he’s a badboy now,” said Tigron.
“So the Federation needs the help of the Intergalactic Kittehs, eh?” said Kitteh Commander, “this Wesleh Crusher chap must be pretteh dangerous.”
“I would have to assume that any man who defeats Jean-Luc Picard must be pretteh deadleh.”
“Not as deadleh as me,” said Kitteh Commander as he grabbed his phaser and twirled it on the edge of his finger looking like some old Western kitteh.
“Wesleh Crusher is dead,” said Kitteh Commander, “pack my kitteh bindle full of phasers and charge my rocket pack now.”
“Sir yes sir meow kitteh,” said Tigron with a kitteh salute.
Wesley and Meow Solo rushed into the Borg cube’s cockpit and chopped up all the Borg they could find with their laser axes.
“These Borg fall apart like crap under our axe blades,” said Meow Solo.
“Whatever,” said Wesley as he decapitated a Borg child, “you think you’re so cool in your brown leather pants and brown leather vest but you’re really just a stinky furball.”
“Whatevs,” said Meow Solo.
They heard a loud sobbing in the corner of the cockpit and turned to find Prof. Moriarty curled up into a ball.
“Why can’t we be in the mirror universe?” said the professor, “The Borg are nice there and they fly around in pyramids and everyone there has a beard. Nobody ever gets a cold face in the winter.”
Wesley slapped Moriarty’s face until his cheeks bled.
“Wisen up old man,” said Wesley, “snap out of it!”
“We could use this Borg cube,” said Meow Solo.
“A Borg cube would be perfect,” said Moriarty, “I am certain the federation is sending people after us right now. They would never suspect us in a Borg cube.
“Okay,” said Wesley, “let’s force the rest of the Borg onto our SHO, fill it up with space gas, and blow it up.”
“Let’s bang this out guys!” said Meow Solo.
The three of them jumped in the air at the same time, slapping their palms together in a triple high five.
It was too late to save Mary-Sue and the other two girls from being assimilated by the Borg.
So the three women were shoved into the cramped quarters of the SHO along with the rest of the Borg that had survived Wesley and Meow Solo’s axe massacre.
“Let the space gas take care of these stupid jerks,” said Wesley Crusher as he flicked a lit match into the SHO and slammed the door shut.
“Get this fucking Borg cube of here now Meow Solo!” said Wesley.
“Got it chief!” said Meow Solo.
Meow Solo got under the controls and had the Borg cube hitting warp speed just in time as the Taurus SHO filled with Borg exploded.
“We’re gonna need to find new girls,” said Wesley.
“I’m hungry,” said Wesley as him and Meow Solo headed into the Circle-K with their phasers drawn.
“Okay,” said Wesley, “first I’m gonna rob you, then I’m gonna kill you.”
Wesley waved his phaser at the customers and the clerk behind the counter.
The three customers happened to be teenaged girls in bikinis. Two blondes and a brunette, all three were built either like Betty Veronica or somewhere in between with faces to match.
The brunette girl was slightly taller than the other two and the word “Queenie” was scrawled across her bikini top, divided by her boobs. So it looked like “Que” then “enie”.
“You three are coming with us,” said Meow Solo.
“For a fuck party,” said Wesley.
“Ew,” said Queenie, “we wouldn’t fuck you to be queens for a day!”
“Stupid cunts,” said Wesley as he shot all six of their eyes out with his phaser.
The blood squirted out of their eye sockets and splattered Meow Solo’s brown suede pants.
“Fuck Wesley,” said Meow Solo, “my chaps are ruined!”
“Fuck your chaps,” said Wesley.
The clerk, a fat girl with a zitty face, pulled off her top and exposed her greasy boobs to Wesley.
“I’ll do anything you want,” said the girl as she licked her grimy roast beef lips.
“Ew no way,” said Wesley as he fired his phaser into her boobs three times.
“Let’s get some snacks and get the f out of here,” said Meow Solo.
“Wait,” said Wesley as he stripped down the body of the dead brunette, Queenie.
Wesley grabbed his thick hard-on and jammed it into her dead pussy.
“I love you Queenie,” said Wesley as a single tear drop fell from his eye and rolled down his face until it intermingled with the fuck sweat running down his neck.
Back aboard the Borg cube Meow Solo and Wesley emptied out their sacks of junk food.
“Wow, this will last us forever,” said Wesley.
Meow Solo grumbled.
“What’s your problem?” said Wesley.
“I’m just wondering about how to split these snacks up fifty fifty,” said Meow Solo.
“Who cares?” said Wesley, “you cheap piece of shit. We’ll share it as crewmates.”
“That’s not the kind of split I was thinking of, friend,” said Meow Solo as he picked up his laser axe.
In his other paw Meow Solo produced a small device covered in Borg markings.
“What gives?” said Wesley as he aimed his phaser at Meow Solo’s dick.
“You see this? You ruined it.”
Meow Solo tugged at the crotch of his brown suede pants.
“Just pants,” said Wesley.
“Just pants?” said Meow Solo, “Wesley, let’s be realistic here, this whole Meow Solo thing isn’t some gimmick, it’s me, it’s who I am. The suede pants are a part of that, you damage the pants you damage the cat.”
“I had to kill those girls,” said Wesley.
“Without warning me first?” said Meow Solo.
Meow Solo squeezed the device in his hand and it glowed with a bright orange light.
“You never respected my image,” said Meow Solo, “the image is the only reason Mary Sue or any decent looking girl ever even touched your dick. It’s because of me. When you hang with Meow Solo you get laid.”
“That’s not true!” screamed Wesley, “Not at all!”
“Without me you’re just a loser,” said Meow Solo, “Ensign Wesley Crusher boy genius, the biggest dork on the Enterprise outside of Data, and he’s a robot.”
“Tasha Yar-“
“Tasha Yar is dead Wesley!” said Meow Solo.
“Lay off it Solo,” said Moriarty, “stop this tomfoolery.”
“You’re just some holodeck jerk,” said Meow Solo, “you see this box guys, it’s an interdimensionator. I can send you to other dimensions, between the strands of the universe, dimensions that don’t even exist.”
Wesley fingered the trigger of his phaser but it was too late.
Meow fingered the interdimensionator, sending a beam of orange light that engulfed Wesley.
“No!” screamed Wesley and in that moment a wall in the side of the Borg cube was vaporized.
Kitteh Commander floated in using his rocket boots.
“I, Kitteh Commander, am here to kill Wesleh Crusher!”
“Too late,” Meow Solo pointed to the tear in reality Wesley was slowly dissolving into.
“You sleazeh grifteh!” said Kitteh Commander as he fired his Kitteh phaser at Meow Solo’s crotch vaporizing the lower half of the cat’s body so that the top half collapsed into a pile of bloody guts.
“How do I get Wesleh back?” Kitteh Commander pointed his Kitteh Phaser at Moriarty.
“It’s an interdimensionator,” said Moriarty.
“Come with me misteh,” Kitteh waved his Kitteh phaser, “we’re following Wesley into that wormhole. I am gonneh kill him whetheh in this world or the otheh.”
Kitteh grabbed Moriarty in a chokehold and leapt into the dissolving frame of Wesley Crusher.
As the three of them vanished, the portal shrunk into a single spot of orange light that shined down on Meow Solo’s mangled corpse.
To be continued…